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Countdown: 15 things to think about Before Star Wars III.

Am I excited about the new Star Wars movie? Well yes, but I am considered a “fan” not a “fanatic”. To me, it’s just a movie. I don’t go get in costume or anything like that. I loved Star Wars in 1977, but it was 1977, and those were bleak pre CGI, pre VCR times. Yes I waited in line for 14 hours to see the movie on the first weekend, but who didn’t? Like I said, it was 1977 and Jimmy Carter was in the White House, don’t talk to me about "bleak times", I lived through the years of “malaise” presidential sweaters and walking to the inauguration rather than taking a limosine. What a Jackass...

I liked ‘The Empire Strikes Back” quite a bit, but I had to, I worked at a movie theatre and I saw it 72 times. I also saw Altered States, Dogs of War, Scanners, The Competition just as many times. Ask me to finish any line in any of those movies and I can usually supply you with the response line.

But I absolutely hated ‘Return of the Jedi’. I can describe my hatred of the movie in just one word:

Ewok. The name alone says it all, doesn’t it?

I’m looking forward to ‘Revenge of the Sith’ if not for any other reason than to give George Lucas one final chance to remove the lint covered flavor of furry ewok from my mouth, along with the bitter acidic aftertaste that is still lingering from not one but two appearances of “Jar-Jar Binks”.

From what I’ve seen so far, it looks really good. I am honestly looking forward to it. But I swear, one ewok in anything but a supporting role and I go postal right there on opening day. If Jar-Jar doesn’t get ground into wallpaper paste by one of the empires assault vehicles, then there simply is no justice at all in the Star Wars universe.

So, while we all wait in the collective line for Star Wars over the next 15 days here’s my list of things to think about while we wait.

15. ‘Watto the junkman’?, or ‘Sanford and Son’ on Tatooine? I smell a spinoff. Get Brandon Tartikoff on the line.

14. Senator Amidala, How old do you think she is when she meets “lil’ Annakin Skywalker”? Can't she get a date?

13. Do they give lightsabers to Jedi because they are such bad shots with blasters that light sabers just limit them to destroying things they can actually touch instead of sending streams of indiscriminate fire around the neighborhood every time they think there’s an emergency?

12. The dancing chick with the green skin and the big dangly things on her head, are those things supposed to attract a mate or beat off attackers? Because I think from an evolutionary perspective, they are likely to do neither of those things.

11. The Star Wars Christmas Special. Yes, it was real. No, I didn’t own a VCR in those days so I don’t have a copy, but wish that I did. I can’t express in words how awful it was, but just to let you know what were dealing with here, it had Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Harvey Korman, Wookies dancing and Carrie Fisher actually sang a song(Straight On Sober without giggling no less!). Yes, It’s Star Wars, but its also right up there with “Manos the Hands of Fate” and ‘Plan 9 from outer space” on the WTF scale. Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman? I guess Jamie Farr and Gavin Macleod were busy with “battle of the network stars” that week and couldn’t make it.

10. Why can’t anyone manage to shoot straight in “A galaxy far,far away”? I mean if you took the helmets off the imperial stormtroopers would they all have “Marty Feldman eyes”? Think about it, 10 stormtroopers shoot at the Millennium Falcon across a hangar and not one of them manages to hit the damn thing, even though they can just reach out and touch it. And what’s the sense in wearing all that stormtrooper armor if you are going to fall down like a sack of potatoes with one shot?

9. Admiral Ackbar: Rank Opportunist? Or was he just politely waiting for the right time to jump in and help out? I mean “Attack on Death Star I”: 300 humans, one upper class snot nose human chick, one wookie and Boom!!!, no more death star!. But on “Attack on Death Start II”, its like the entire Mos Eisley bar decided to get into the fight, and a fish now runs the whole thing. All I got to say is “where the hell were you guys the first time we went up against the empire?”

8. Ok, you’re in the imperial army, you’ve been posted to a far off moon where the empire is working on the new “Death Star”. You job is to guard the power station ( there’s always a power station to blow up in sci-fi, just like there is always a fruit stand to crash into in car chases) You’re on “graveshift”, your biggest problem is the same as every soldier since the beginning of time. Boredom. Standing watch in the middle of a jungle with literally nothing to do.

So what do you and your squaddies dream up to keep yourself busy? Why of course, Plinking Ewoks! Since Ewoks are small, and clearly have no natural enemies, no natural ability to actually run away and cant manage more than the occasional spear toss in response its likely that Ewoks would soon be extinct, thereby ruining the finely tuned plan of the rebels. Your biggest problem after the Ewoks are all dead is what you decide to do next to keep yourself occupied while you are on duty.

Boredom, it’s the enemy of soldiers everywhere.

7. For a smuggler, Han Solo doesn’t seem to ever carry anything in his Space Ship. My Theory? Han Solo is an undercover narcotics officer.

6. Resolved: the only thing that is a worse marksman than an imperial stormtrooper is an imperial battle droid, followed closely by a TIE fighter pilot. Is it “Ready Fire Aim” or “Fire Aim Ready” or “Ready Aim Fire” because none of these guys seems to know, they just hold the trigger down and hope for the best.

5. Question1: How many steps are involved in removing Stormtrooper armor to prepare the occupant for the act of defecation or urination? Question 2: What is the official Miss Manners ruling on taking your stormtrooper Helmet and comm. devices in the bathroom, should you just wear them and take them in or leave them outside while you do your business? What do you do if you get a call, do you just answer if your sitting on the can? It doesn’t seem very dignified to me.

4. “Boss Nass” is cool but Jar-Jar is a horrible mistake. Why? Is this what an actor like Brian Blessed can bring to a role? Does this prove that a competent actor can make any role work, even one as ridiculous as “Boss Nass”? Could another actor have made Jar-Jar into a character that doesn’t immediately make we want to leave the room? If so, who do you see in that role (and don’t you dare say Jimmy “Dynomite” Walker, don’t you even go there).

3. My theory is there will be a re-re-release of Star Wars, without Ewoks or Jar-Jar. Personally, I’d pay big money for that, and since its all CGI, hey, what the hell, we could all have our own version of Star Wars at some point. I’d also pay big money for another 15 minutes of footage of Princess Leia on the Sandbarge in that metal bikini.

2. Oh, Speaking of “Muppets where they don’t belong”, that little rat like thing that sits on Jabba the hut? that goes too. It doesn’t help the movie if when I look at it all I can think of is that ‘Oscar the grouch’ lost his cat and it got trapped in the rolls of fat on Jabba the hut like some lost oyster cracker.

1. Early in his life, George Lucas was in a very bad car accident. In our timeline George lives. How much would your life have changed if instead, he had died? How much as Star Wars affected your thinking or expectations of what movies can do? Can you picture a world without ‘Star Wars’?

Posted @ May 03, 2005 09:21 PM | Current Affairs