Varifrank: Smurfville Delenda Est

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Smurfville Delenda Est

Once again we see that the European leftist mindset has made a serious miscalculation. Were all supposed to "care" about the Smurfs. Apparently we aren’t supposed to care about Kosovo, Darfur and the 800,000 people who died under UN observation in Africa during the 1990’s, but Smurfs, little cartoon characters, well kids - get out your hankies. Who better to lecture us about the evils of imperialism than the Belgians? All Hail King Leopold!

Here’s the problem - I hate the Smurfs. Everyone I know hates the Smurfs. We’ve always hated the Smurfs. The only people who like the Smurfs are dope smoking ex-hippy parents who think that their kids love the Smurfs and are too inattentive of the kids to notice that they turned the channel two seconds after they left the room. So how can I have sympathy for the Smurfs now that they’ve been attacked by president Chimpy McBushhitler? I hate them, HATE them! It’s about time we wiped these parasites off the map! Oh, we all love the peace loving Smurfs don’t we… Like hell we do, I want violent cartoons for my kids, I want Elmer Fudd and Daffy Duck to show my kids how NOT to use a shotgun. I WANT bugs bunny to show my kids the proper way to show disrespect for all authority, I WANT Foghorn leghorn, and of course WANT the most politically incorrect of all - Speedy Gonzalez. I don’t want a bunch of hippy dippy inbred peace loving blue freak elves, what kind of role modeling is that for kids? Of course life is easy when everyone has blue skin and the girls don’t wear bras, but that’s hardly a realistic model of the world, now is it?

Shotgun wielding cats, Giant southern dialect speaking Roosters who paddle the ass of sleeping dogs with boards with nails in them, megalomaniacal Martians and the lisping semi-insane duck whose bill spins around his face when he gets shot in the face - that’s what I want in Cartoons. This is preciely why they didn’t blow up the Warner Brothers Cartoons, because the Warner Brothers Cartoons would have kicked their asses; that’s why.

Oh, and Warner Brothers Cartoons were patriotic American Cartoons. None of that wimpsissy “one world” crap from Warner Brothers, you can only get that degenerate lefty crap from Smurfville.

Smurfville Delenda Est!

But lets face it, we’ve just been looking for just the right opportunity to take the oil under the Smurf village and give it to our cronies in the Keebler Elf Corporation and the law firm of Snap, Crackle, and Pop, both of which are wholly owned subsidiaries of Halliburton. You knew it all along didn’t you. DIDN’T YOU…

Of course you did, you fascists…

Posted @ October 11, 2005 10:37 AM | Current Affairs

Hey, don't call me a hippy dippy! I happened to like the Smurfs for about six months in 1981. When I was 10. I'm pretty sure that year my Trapper Keeper was tricked out with Smurfette folders.

Of course, WB kicks butt any day. They will always be my all time favorite. The majority of cartoons made today are unwatchable PC crap.

Posted by: Maureen at October 11, 2005 01:20 PM

> and of course WANT the most politically incorrect of all - Speedy Gonzalez

And the most politically *appropriate* of all, Pepe LePew.

Posted by: OBloodyHell at October 11, 2005 01:39 PM

I'm with you, man. Nobody messes with Bugs Bunny.

I bet the Warner team could kick the Smurf's asses, even if you threw in Captain Planet.

Posted by: Mr. Hyde at October 11, 2005 04:03 PM

Smurfs aren't all that bad -- with lots of catsup.

Posted by: Shane at October 11, 2005 05:49 PM

WOW! Just... WOW! Great post.

Loved--and miss--those old Warner cartoons. The historical ones from WWII where Bugs and crew take on the evil ones.... Where are their likes today?

Posted by: joated at October 12, 2005 09:30 AM

Looks to me like old Gargamel got some smarts, and invested in a bit of air power.

Is it THAT wrong to pump your fist and bay at the moon for joy at this display of Smurficide? Maybe. But probably not.

Smurfville Delenda Est, indeed.

Posted by: Tim McGaha at October 13, 2005 12:43 PM