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Congratulations Time Magazine

My hat is off to the editorial staff of Time Magazine for their choice of ‘person of the year”. I spend hours and hours asking myself “ What is that “special quality” that so perfectly defines modern journalism? What is it that makes the people who make their living writing for such fine organizations like Time Magazine feel so comfortable with their chosen profession that while at bars, parties and high school reunions they feel perfectly comfortable to be able to say publicly and proudly “ why yes! I am indeed a journalist! And who might you be - lowly and pathetic subhuman of the class know to us as “subscriber”?

I often sit around and ponder the exact nature of the makeup of the modern journalist, but this year I need only look at the “2005 Time Magazine Person of the year” to get an answer. Inspired! Genius! A work of Art! This is what makes all the money that their parents spent sending them to Columbia Journalism School, the hours and hours spent faking homework assignments, the fingers bleeding from reading Chomsky and Fast. The hours and hours donated to the DNC to help further the cause of righteous leftist idealism, the days spent learning how to forge documents; this is where it all pays off, the choice for “Person of the year”. And what a choice it was.

Not just Bono. Who could question that? Bono man, Its Bono! But no, Its Bill And Melissa Gates too! you know, “the good capitalists!”.
Bono and Mr. And Mrs’ ‘Rich Uncle Pennybags’. Yesssss! That’s the perfect choice, after all, you couldn’t keep those three off the covers of People magazine this year, over and over again, it was like Princess Diana and Britney Spears started dating each other or something. Every single cover of people, Tigerbeat, the Economist, Nature – there they were, Bill, Bono and Melissa. Over and over and over and over again. It’s like the middle aged World Justice League,all they need is tights and capes and a secret underground hideout.

Before I saw Times choice for this year, I thought to himself, “who would I, a neocon of the worst order, a man who regularly misspells words, mangles sentences and drops participles with regularity, who would I choose to be this years ‘person of the year”? What foolish right wing cabal choice would I have made?

Well, here’s my list.

The US Coast Guard for its brave and selfless acts in relief of the Katrina Disaster? The Coast Guard is the most unsung of all the branches of the service, perhaps a little press for the men who guard the borders and make their careers actively saving lives? Katrina showed that the Coast Guard was the only organization with its entire act together from Day 1. I often ask, why do we have a FEMA if the entire mission of FEMA could be done better, faster cheaper and with more oversight and competence by the professionals of the USCG?

How about The Crew and officers of the USS Iwo Jima and USS Saipan for its brave and selfless acts while on duty in New Orleans You sign up to defend your country, but you never really think you’ll do it at home do you? Hell of a story there if you ask me, but hey, I’m just a blogger, so what do I know anyway?

The National Guard? Anyone think the National Guard gets a raw deal in the press? I do? Here’s a great chance to set right what’s been done wrong. How about General “ Don’t Get Stuck On Stupid” Honore? Hell-of-a-guy. Hell-of-a-story if you ask me…

Or perhaps Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagin for their struggle to help others while being attacked by “the man”? Well, that what they call it, I call it dereliction of duty, but that’s just me. How about the State of Louisiana Department of Transportation, or the New Orleans School districts for abandoning thousands of buses in light a mass transportation emergency in what could only be called a poor attempt to build a levee out of abandoned buses.

Or, perhaps we give it to the people of the 9th ward, who sacrifices and losses serve as the perfect emblem to the suffering of people everywhere during the repetitioin of disasters throughout 2005? Or perhaps Sean Penn for his brave and selfless acts of renting a boat and brandishing a shotgun, while decrying gun rights. Or perhaps his wife Robin Wright for screaming like a banshee when the rest of us laughed at him for his idiocy. Not just one suffering celebrity, but a suffering celebrity and his blithering idiot wife. You can just feel the fingers of the booking agents of Dr. Phil and Oprah tingling on that one, cant you?

Or maybe we give “Person of the Year” to Hurricanes? Remember when they gave it to the computer? Sure! I mean that was lame too, but it made some level of sense. Giving it to “Hurricanes” works on some many levels because you could have a whole issue about which to flog “global warming” and still blame it all on Bush! What a missed opportunity.

Or maybe we open up the imagination a bit and go this way:

The People of the State of Texas for welcoming with open arms 100,000 refugees (whoops! I used that awful word! I mean to say “evacuees”) into their state and integrating them into their economy, so successfully that most of them don’t want to go home (The ingrates!).

For the People of New Orleans, for after having been abused and ignored for years in the Great Democratic stronghold of New Orleans, for finally having opportunity and the good common sense to not come back. It’s a shame it took a hurricane to end the cycle of poverty and it just shows you what the Democrats couldn’t accomplish in 60 years of useless social programs, nature did in 30 minutes.

The People of Iraq, who after not one but three elections have a Constitution and an elected secular multi-ethinc parliament that includes women. Oh no story there I guess, that sort of thing happens all the time. And heck, so what if 1000 Americans died this year to help achieve that goal, its all about the oil anyway. Didn’t you see Syriana? Yeah man, what is the price of oil…

How about Angela Merkel? Who overcame gender bias, social discrimination and party corruption to become head of state in Germany. A woman, an East German Woman – Head of Germany. Not Bad Angie, Not Bad. But sorry, you’re on the wrong side of the fence when it comes to world socialism, so I guess we must ignore you because “shhhh, it might be good for Bush”.

Or “Person of the year” to Democracy, which despite every single attempt by the caring and decent people of the left to stop it, still goes forward from the Ukraine, Iraq, Lebanon even Germany as evidenced by Mrs. Merkel.

John Kerry for being right about the war in Iraq before he was wrong, or the other way around depending on the audience he’s talking to because frankly we cant tell from day to day which way he wants to go.

For Congress for having the bravery to speak openly and repeatedly about how “Bush lied” while they were always out of the room when the really big decisions were made and cant be blamed for anything despite all the intelligence given to the President having Congressional oversight. What congress? Oh THAT Congress.

Al Gore for being absolutely right about global warming and “the Evil Bush Cabal” and for quietly joining Judge Crater, Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart in cameo roles on ABC’s LOST.

Or Saint Cindy Sheehan, the Leftist Joan of Arc? Oh, that’s right, she hates Hillary now, so that’s never going to happen, what was I thinking?

For Howard Dean for consistently and repeatedly reminding us of how important the role of chemical anti-depressants are in the daily regimen of the marginally insane. Karl Rove, you evil bastard! How did you manage to go back in time and make that straight talking, liberal walking machine Dr. Howard Dean and turn him into the best thing that every happened to Republicans since Ann Coulter?

Or Stanley “Tookie” Wilson, for having unrepentantly died at the hands of the evil Fascist government of California, who only by accident found himself in prison because he broke some old rarely prosecuted law about “killing people”. Oh why couldn’t we have just locked him up for a lifetime without the possibility of parole in a cement lined hell of the infected, insane, predatory and dispossessed in the way that all the humane governments of Europe do to humans, but wont ever consider doing to dogs?

You see, that’s my problem, as blogger I don’t have the proper training to be able to pick what’s right and wrong about each of those stories to be able to see what the obvious and totally inspired genius was that said “ I know – lets put BONO and Bill and Melissa Gates” on the cover. I just sit back and admire the genius of the simplicity of that decision. I might have spend most of November making that call, but these guys, the true professionals spent what appears to be the length of one conference call to come to the near perfect decision of giving it to Bono, Bill and Melissa. Bingo – A perfect hit, 30 minute for a group con call, write up a little puff piece and then blow out of town before anyone calls us on it. That’s corporate journalist genius at work my friend.

So, ”Hats off” guys! I bask in the light of your utter genius. If the Time Magazine ever decides to hold “How to be a Journalist” classes at the Learning Annex, I’ll be there sitting in the front row.

Posted @ December 18, 2005 05:48 PM | Current Affairs

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