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Rules of engagement in the War on Terror

Don’t fight before Ramadan as it interrupts the UN sponsored peace process.

Don’t fight during Ramadan because it shows disrespect to an honored people and a great religion.

Don’t fight after Ramadan since so many civilians will simply be caught in the potential crossfire.

Don’t fight in the winter, because it may cause discomfort to the enemy. It is also a well-known fact that American troops are unable to survive the difficult conditions and deprivations that result from “snow”.

Don’t fight in the summer as excessive movement in the hot weather imposed on the enemy by our Armed forces may cause their premature deaths due to a lack of water.

Don’t fight in the fall, as fighting at that time is clearly designed only to impact elections in America.

Don’t fight in spring, because that’s when Network Television does its “Sweeps” campaign, and any news from the war zone will be ignored in favor of the far more important news of how many women are currently pregnant in Hollywood.

Don’t fight with ground troops unless each of them is fully incased in body armor and is incapable of any potential harm on the battlefield.

Do not try to drop bombs from aircraft, as the aircraft that normally do that are busy dropping food and water in enemy territory to ensure the well being of the people you are fighting against.

Don’t fight with airpower as it causes too much indiscriminate destruction on the ground.

Don’t fight with the Navy, because it’s simply not fair to fight people who don’t have one.

Do not fly the American Flag at home or abroad. Please keep all patriotic displays somber and subdued at all times. American Olympic Athletes should hang their head low when entering a stadium at events. Remember, It’s dissent that is patriotic, not this unfortunate habit of “flag flying” or “song singing” or any celebration of all the supposedly great things about your country.

Do not assume that people in the battlefield that are armed and shooting at you are the enemy. In many parts of the world, this is a sign of welcome and firing back at these innocent people in response can do untold damage to Americas public image around the world.

Do not display dead bodies of the enemy, as this is disrespectful to their culture and values. However, be sure to go to the Supreme Court to secure the right to display dead Americans and to protest at their funerals.

Under no circumstances discuss any actions on the battlefield of our military in terms of "bravery" or "victory". Only discuss our military in terms of failure, loss and futility. All American soldiers are to be portrayed as unfortunate dupes of the "Corporate Machine". All Enemy soldiers are to be portrayed as brave and principled rebels "fighting for their beliefs".

Do not keep detainees in prison camps in US territory, because they are to be afforded all access to the American Constitution and legal support and as a result should be set free until their appointed court dates.

Do not allow detainees to be sent to other countries, as those other countries do not respect the American Constitution and system of law and the detainee may come to harm in these other countries as a result.

Do not return detainees to their countries of origin, as we are often unable to determine if they are welcome by that countries government and the detainee may suffer by our actions.

By all means, see that the former detainees are given a seat in a major university where they may add to the great diversity of opinion that is available on our nations campuses.

Under no circumstances profile or exclude by association anyone from using any facility in the United States no matter how bad their documentation, no matter their country of origin, no matter alleged association with criminal elements considered by some to be dangerous to this country. Be sure at all times to extend the welcoming hand of freedom to anyone who wishes to come to this country for whatever purposes they desire.

Do not inconvenience anyone with any unnecessary and unproven methods of detecting bombs or weapons at our major airports, as this is an affront to our nations approach to civil rights. Treating people as criminals before they have been given a chance to defend themselves is simply discriminatory.

Under no circumstances are you to look for terrorists in the United States. Treat every single person who sets foot in the United States as a person who by their touching the holy soil of the country have had their hearts turned to the purity of good thoughts. Everyone in the US, citizen or not, is to be afforded the rights of full citizenship.

Be sure that any method used by the government to lower the risk of danger from terrorism is met with public derision. If time allows, be sure to expose to public knowledge any secret methods that are being used to intercept potential terrorists as a way to undermine the government and as a result ensure the safety of so many people.

(Please note: These rules only apply to Americans...)

Posted @ May 11, 2006 10:30 PM | Current Affairs

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