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Let's Talk

Dear Iran and North Korea,

Hey boys, I just thought I'd take a moment and drop a note to say "howdy" and maybe talk about a few issues that concern all of us.

Before I start, I feel it necessary to inform you both that the 747's that you have detected flying in long 'racetrack' style patterns just outside your borders, those are US Airforce aircrews that are training for airborne laser anti-ballistic missile systems. Oh sure, they probably don't have lasers on board right now, but that doesnt mean we can't move ahead and get the rest of their systems tested, as well as train all the aircrews they will need to watch your little wretched rathole countries.

Oh how impolite of me, to say that counties that violate basic human rights with such regularity that your own citizens prefer death over imprisonment while your governments both use famine and genocide as a way to control your own populace, what an insult it is for me to call you rats.

An insult to the rats, that is.

Oh, you say the US Air Force can't possibly keep aircraft in the air 24 hours a day on continual alert? Gosh I sure am sorry to tell you fellas this but weve been doing that sort of thing since the 1950's. Were pretty good at that sort of thing. It sure is a good thing we have that big base down in Diego Garcia to operate out of virtually unopposed against you folks in Iran and it sure is nice that Japan has decided to allow our Airborne Anti Ballistic weapons systems to be based in their country, just right across the Yellow Sea. Isnt that sweet?

Boy it sure is a shame you fellas spent all your money on uranium processing instead of an airforce or a Navy. But hey, its probably alot easier to make an atomic bomb than it is to make single domestically produced jet fighter, which niether one of you seem to have the capacity to do. Yeah, you can buy fighters from Russia and China, but I gotta tell you boys that we take those same planes out for little test flights in Nevada all the time, We buy ours from the same folks you do actually, and frankly if I was you I wouldnt be paying top dollar for those turkeys. On top of that, since we've had them in our labs we're starting to get pretty good at shooting them down. Come on over some time, I'll introduce you to the Nellis Air Force Base commander and he can show you all the copies of all the Chinese and Russian Aircraft that we've been testing since the 1960s.

Whoops. I guess I shouldnt have told you that, thats supposed to be "a secret". Damn.

What a shame, all that time and effort making a big complicated weapons system just to have the hated infidel 'great satan' capitalists running dogs go and fence you in again.

It sucks to be you, doesnt it?

Gee, I wonder how long it will take some 'smart guy' in the Air Force to mount the Airborne Laser on a UAV, something on the scale of the Global Hawk. Now wouldn't that be funny? Airborne Robots flying right outside your borders that are undetectable on radar that can shoot lasers at your missles.

And you can't do a damn thing about it either.

Now that I think of it, Didnt one of you go and try to launch six or seven missles this summer? And they all did what? They fell into the ocean, right? Imagine that, all six just up and fell into the ocean.

You boys can't catch a break.

Hey, wait a minute, why stop at shooting down missiles? Why not just shoot the laser at anything we want? What's the big whoop? I mean if you can use a laser to hit a missile, I guess you can use a laser to hit, oh lets say a truck, a bridge, the occasional tramp freighter loaded with counterfeit cash and illegal weapons systems on their way to the middle east to be traded for badly needed cash, a little getaway in the country where you keep your girlfriend ( you little devils, you guys really crack me up, you sure get around I tell ya..) or maybe even a train? Say, you use a trains alot there in North Korea, dont you?

Heck, I'll bet we could hit a single window pane in any building we care to shoot at. That would get your attention real quick now wouldnt it? Wouldnt leave a whole lot of evidence behind either. One minute giving another speech to the boys and then "Poof" the window explodes into the conference room as a thousand shards of hot glass. That would sure put a cramp into your "Annual Tupperware Sales Kick-off Meeting" now wouldnt it?

Of course we would have to know what window pane you were standing behind at the time, but that would mean we would need people inside your organizations who were either less than loyal to you or somehow in need of revenge, but that can't happen, now can it? I mean since you folks are known for your generosity, I can't see how we could make any headway there, so you should rest easy on that thought. I'm sure that all of your underlings are happy with their positions and havent the slightest desire for any sort of "advancement".

You know, warfare sure isnt very anymore fun when you can't hide behind a wall of conscripts.

Anyway, I think I need to cut this short before I start to reveal more "secrets" like the spaceborne laser system that we deployed, oh damn I did it again didn't I?

Oh, Condi and Rummy wanted to remind me to say that the 100 Dollar Superbills that you have been making have been getting better with every batch. So I sent them a challenge, I said "there isnt anything you folks can do that we cant do any better". So just for sport, I told them try to see how hard it would be for us to make our own version of the "Iranian Real" and the "North Korean Won".

And I gotta tell you, You get Rummy and Condi together over a few beers and you'd be surprised what they can come up with. They got some of their CIA/NSA pals together and damn if they didnt make some "Superbills" of their own and those little suckers came out pretty good! Our own treasury department says that you can't tell the difference between the ones you make for your countries and the ones we made for fun. Just to prove it to you, I sent a big box of them off to your ambassadors.

I also sent a big box to the Chinese and Russian Ambassadors. Frankly, we kinda let the printing press run a little longer than we intended and Whoopseedaisy! Wouldnt you know it, before long we had shipping containers full of those little suckers. So, since congress insists that we account for every dollar, I had to get rid of them overseas, had to trade them with those banks in Macao. The silly bastards actually thought they were real. Of course, compared to the US Dollar they arent worth much, but we managed to recoup our investment pretty fast.

I sure hope that didnt screw up your balance of payments to Russia and China. That would be bad now wouldnt it? Those boys dont have a sense of humor, they are a strickly "cash and carry" operation over there.

Hey, they dont call me the "Great Satan" for nothing!

Anyway, if either of you boys feel the need to talk, just give us a jingle here in the White House and I'm sure the switchboard can have the call routed to Dr. Rice right away.

Yours Truly,

George W. Bush.
President

P.S. - "Peace through light", dont those Air Force guys just crack you up?

Posted @ October 28, 2006 10:23 AM | Current Affairs