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The big day is here at last!

All hail! - the new king in town...

Well today, Hillary Clinton surpised absolutely no one in the world by announcing her candidacy for President of the United States. Yet, instead of creating a buzz about the candidacy of the woman who has already enjoyed more unelected executive power since back when Mrs. Edith Wilson said "Woodrow has a really bad head cold and wont be out for weeks, but he said its ok for me to sign those papers you got there Senator"; Hillarys genius campaign staff has instead created the worlds largest collective yawn, causing immediate redefinition of all english language metaphors for the concept of 'anti-climactic'.

And I'm afraid its all downhill from here on out. Theres nothing like an oversold winner when they lose, and let me take this opporunity to say again - she wont win.

Her timing was terrific, after allowing virtually every other Democrat in the Western Hemisphere to announce that they too would like to be President and after sending disbarred and impeached husband to desert island for the duration of her campaign, she announces her candidacy on cold Saturday morning in January when all the reporters who ask the really tough questions are in line at costco buying firelogs, thus allowing only the second string reporters to be around to fall at her feet like "womyns studies" students at a k.d. Lang concert.

Ahh, what a vision!, Hillary does a webcast. Its a study in leadership like Churchill at the podium. There she sits on the front room sofas, talking down camera to us about having "a conversation", on a form of media that allows only one way communication. Ironic? well If you think about it, it is kind of a talisman of the future of this campaign and the country."let me tell you what you think" is the subtext here, and it wasnt lost on me a bit.

Don't try to question her motives dear readers, dont try to get a straight answer from her from here on out. To do so will only invite the worst sort of anger in those who seek only fairness towards the good and gracious "St. Hillary". You mind your place you peons, "It's her turn" dontcha know. Learn to heel, that's my advice.

There she sits, like everyones maiden aunt, talking to us about the need to "communicate", while using a downward camera angle, leaving me with the audience perspective of a five year old child. She sits there as only person on planet earth still unaware of husbands philandering, making the subconscious mind wonder if she will ever notice if the chinese decide to invade Taiwan. Despite voting over and over again for action in Iraq, when challenged about that fact, she uses the excuse that "Bush lied to me". What kind of a character do you have when you let men walk all over you like that, over and over again? Oh sorry, shouldn't ask questions like that, musnt use words like that. sorry.

Oh, what fun it will be over the next two years to listen to a campaign that is filled to the brim, with funloving "soundbite sized" statements that will be hurled at us daily from every audio orifice, such as "it takes a woman to clean up a mess this big!" followed by giddy laughter from the women in the newsroom. I wonder if they make a "nerf TV", because I think I'm going to need one.

So why is she qualified to be president?, well she enjoys the same basic qualification as most men enjoyed for nearly a millenium, that being her gender, but she has little else to show for a job thats likely to age her 25 years in the 8 years that the office is available to her. She's certainly old enough for the job and she has passed my own prime requirement for the office of having run for and held a public office before running for this one. But from there, it gets kind of light if you ask me. But just as all caterpillars must one day metamorph into buttterflies, its a fact of nature that all lawyers eventually cocoon themselves with their most trusted advisers and turn into "Presidential Candidates", then climb to the top of the nearest tree, spread their arms and cry out the immortal words; "its time for a change!". And this time, they really mean it...

Why is she qualified to be President? Well, at the start of her campaign for Senator of New York, she has actually convinced the people of the State of New York that she is in fact from New York, when she is actually from Chicago and comes to New York via Arkansas and Washington D.C. making her as residendially qualified to be Senator as the Canadian Snow Geese that visit the state every year. I actually do respect a politcian that tries to use that sort of bald faced double talk, especially when they manage to pull it off so well that people now actually think that she is from New York, though I suspect that the populace of New York has been subject to a good deal of lead in their water suppy by evidence of this vote and many other logical incongruities. Guile is a good character trait to have as President, and yeah she's got it, by the bucketload.

Why is she qualified to be President? The foundation of candidacy seems to be based on the idea that "she is not Bush", which instantly makes 239 million americans feel that they have at least one thing in common with her. "Connecting with the people", is a very good trait to have as President.

What should she do next?

Well, for starters, She should send Sandy Berger to national archives to gather up and destroy all film negatives of pictures like this:

Whoa...Long live "the dry look", eh?

So, What will happen next?

The phones will begin to melt at RNC headquarters as donations begin to pour in from all corners of the globe. She has single handedly given us Republicans something that is both fun and easy for us to agree on. We all hate her immensely, and the idea of being saddled with the reality of having to listen to that sharp edged harpy talk down to us like we were her pet dogs for the next four years is enough to get even the most self destructive Republican back on board. Congratulations Carville!, you've single handedly breathed new life into the corpse of the Republican Party.

The RNC will begin running commercials showing just her picture on the screen with the crowd chanting "four more years" on the voice over. Despite it being initially thought to be a Democrat sponsored advertisement, it will prove to be amazingly effective - for Republicans.

Oh, and John Kerry, what will happen to him? Well my guess is that while quietly playing with his stamp collection in good ole beantown, he will be suddenly and inexplicably sucked into a mysterious black hole, the only thing left in this dimention will be the fading memory of that horrible campaign. No one notice his departure or will much care that he is gone. The office of Junior Senator of Massachusetts will go on, much like it did while he held the office.

Empty, and not of much use to the people of Massachusetts.

Posted @ January 20, 2007 08:57 PM | Current Affairs