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To Our Three Daughters (A Fisking)

Original Text Here...

We hope that by the time you read this, the solutions to global warming will be well under way.

It's only Tuesday dear, you might want to give yourself a little leeway on this...

You already know from living with us, how concerned we are about this problem.

Yes my dear, this is the real reason you've never been allowed any sleepovers with your friends, why birthday party dreams of pony rides and big plastic "bounce houses" are crushed under the reality of mommy desperately needing to host yet another NRDC fund raiser on the same weekend.

Sometimes, we go over board with our reactions to everyday annoyances like over -packaged products, leaving lights on in the room, taking too long a shower or leaving your chargers in the wall.

'Wire Hangers' darling, don't forget the 'Wire Hangers'.

We embarrass you when we glare at hummer drivers and or get emotional when we talk about drowning polar bears.

Ohh, nooo. Not the the dreaded liberal "glare". You inhuman bastard Laurie David, dont you know how that must make those people feel, knowing that you disapprove of the free expression of their consumer choice? How do you expect them to live with the shame of it all? You know when the Prius driving people glare at me for driving a 4-wheel drive SUV I can't hardly notice it because they are usually doing it from a full three feet below my floorboards.

But we do this because all of the things that we love and care about are at stake.

How dare those people buy big cars just because they can. I mean really, who do those people think they are anyway?

We do this because we do not want the day to come when you ask us why we did not do more.

Why, oh why did you take me to Disneyland, instead of riding in an inflatable boat with Greenpeace? Why did you make me go to my graduation when I could've been arrested for civil disobiedience and thrown into Cook County jail? Why did you force me to get a car for my high school graduation when what I really wanted was to cut sugar cane in solidarity with the workers in Cuba?

We want you to be able to enjoy snowy winters.

Yes, damn you all and your Hummers for eliminating the white christmases we once had in Malibu and replacing it with the oppressive day in, day out disgusting sunshine. Let's try to enjoy winter this year in Aspen, Telluride, Banff and St. Moritz. Let's take the Lear Jet out for a run. You know, at Park City Utah, they expect you to actually carry your own skis! Now that's roughing it!

We want you to be able to cool off between your sheets on summer nights.

It's called "Air Condtioning" its that knob on the wall, over there next to where the servants quarters are. If you turn it to "ON", cold air magically comes out of these vents in the ceiling. It really is the greatest thing since sliced bread. You should try it. Apparently the servants sit in the other room and blow air across ice cubes with paper fans. I dont know why everyone doesn't have servants, they are just so damned handy to have around.

We want you to see the leaves change colors when they're supposed to.

Not just when we forget to turn the sprinkler system on when we leave the house in Malibu for 6 months while travelling around the world in a jet, like what happened last year.

We want you to visit Yellowstone National Park and spot a bear.

If were lucky and we pray real hard to the Goddess Gaia, perhaps we can get a bear with some real show business talent, like maybe one that can ride a unicycle while juggling beach balls, instead of one that falls over on his back and grabs his feet and sticks his ass up at us from the side of the road or knocking over trash cans all night long with his friends, like they did when we visited last year.

If you get a mosquito bite, we want it to itch, not carry a deadly disease.

Gee, its a damn shame we got rid of all that nasty DDT stuff. I wonder how they got rid of mosquitos back in the golden age, before all this fol-der-all called "modern" living.

We don't want your generation to be the generation that is defined by mass species extinction.

Not to worry, this is the generation already defined by narcissistic personality disorder.

We want you to live in a world where we face the truth about our problems and do everything we can to solve them.

Doing everything we can? Kinda cuts into that whole "leasure time" idea doesnt it.

We want you to grow up to be activists.

Not just any "activists" you understand, but the right kind of "activists". Don't go getting any ideas about protecting Second Amendment rights, working towards freedom for Cuba, ending the practice of abortion or emancipation of any islamic countries or anything. That sort of "activism" just wont do.

That's why we wrote our book, The Down-to-Earth Guide to Global Warming.

And how many trees died in the production of that book? How many Octopuses (Octopii?) died just to have their ink squeezed out of them into big industrial sized vats, just so you could write a book that no one will read and will fill the garbage dumps of America like so many dirty disposable diapers already do? Shouldn't all books exhorting the green lifestyle be online audio books that download to your Ipod so you can listen while you sit and brood on all day at the horrors of Western Civilization while sipping a 7 dollar cup of coffee at Starbucks?

It's for girls like you and yes, boys, too.

Aw, gee thanks! Boys too! Wow, I feel all warm in side, like a Cocker Spaniel puppy just licked my face as I rolled down a big grass hill in the sunshine. Oh wait, thats just a toilet paper commercial that I'm watching.

The more people who understand global warming, the better chance we have at bringing about change -- change as individuals and change as a country.

And if you and your friends shave their heads, wear saffron robes and chant 'Hare Krishna' at the airport terminal, a spiritual awakening will occur across the land, from sea to shining sea.

Change means accepting the fact that the way we are living is causing huge damage to our planet. Change means that once we accept that responsibility, doing everything in our power to correct our course. Change means hope, not despair. Once you understand global warming, you understand how much you can do to solve it. Time is of the essence...lets get started.

So stop writing mindless books, stop papering telephone poles with flyers that exhort the arrival of the Dave Matthews band, stop making bumper stickers, stop celebrity airlifts for charity events, stop the whole 'Soylent Green is people' speech every time it gets a little hot in the summer ok?

We love you so much,

Your mothers,
Laurie David and Cambria Gordon

It doesnt matter who you are in life kids, you don't get to pick your parents.

Posted @ May 15, 2007 12:12 AM | Current Affairs

Posted by: Christopher at May 15, 2007 01:47 PM