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Gack!

Whats it like in the central valley these days? Its 112 degrees, zero wind, and there are three thousand fires all over the state. The smoke literally blocks out the sun. If you want to simulate the experience, turn yur furnace on, close all the windows and start a campfire on the front room floor. Oh, and make the campfire out of Mule dung and you will get the correct amount of throat chocking acridness in the air for the full effect.

I also have two items that are in the process of making matters even worse.

1. The city I live in has decided to take this particular time to resurface the street I live on. Now I have the extra special wafting scent of tar and asphalt to go with the rest of the total "8th circle of dantes inferno" experience.

But wait, the fun doesnt end there...

2. We spent some time this year to put in a garden. Gardens mean plants and plants mean fertilizer and fertilizer means that Flies will make an appearance. We had more than our fair share, so I natually decided to "do something". I bought a rather clever flytrap that is essentially a plastic bag that you fill with water which contains some chemical that acts as a "fly attractant". Given what flies are attacted to, you can imagine what it might smell like and it does. The plastic entrance traps the fly in much the same way that crab traps trap crabs. Once they get in, they cant figure out how to get out and there they stay.

The trap worked really well. Inside of a few days it was filled to the brim with the loathesome creatures so quite naturally, I decided to throw it out into the trash can.

This was, to say the least, a serious mistake. You see the "fly attractant" smells like something along the lines of rotting flesh, spoiled kimchee, week three of a New York Sanitation strike and the worst gag inducing B.O. ever, beyond anything your travels on third world public transport could have uncovered.

You see, when I tossed this bag into the 55 gallon black industrial trash can, it actually amplified the smell. Now the fly attactant rather than just getting flies excited in 6 foot circle around the trap can be smelled from 3 blocks away. The smell is itself a living entity. Its big enough to have its own zipcode. You can actually see the smell. You can see it the same way you can see a dog fart as it moves across the room like a mirage riding above the highway, a small distortion in your view and then blam, you are overcome like you were hit with a wave. In this case the wave is rotting cabbage and vomit.

So whats it like in my slice of California right now?

It's 112 Degrees, theres no sunlight, theres no air movement, the air is filled with acrid smoke and just to tip it off, the lingering smell of dead bodies wrapped in cabbage and dipped in sewage, sitting under a sunlamp for a week. Oh and just to kick me directly in the crotch, Barbara Boxer and Nancy Pelosi are representing my state, which given the state of things right now seems to make a perverse sort of sense.

Yessiree dear reader, I now live in hell...

Posted @ July 10, 2008 12:52 AM | Current Affairs

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